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    Hasshoudou's Writing - DeathNote Vengeance (Title Pending)

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    Post by Hasshoudou Thu Dec 11, 2008 3:51 am

    DeathNote Vengeance


    Summary: Four years after the incident in Japan involving “Kira” and his ideals to create a new world with the DeathNote that he had found from Ryuuk, the entire ordeal was written off as a hoax from the tabloids, and nothing was remembered by any of the victims’ families or the ones investigating the case. Near had survived the endeavor, but hung up his duties as an investigator so that he could live his life normally after the death of Mello. In America, the “Kira” incident was simply called a mass suicide of depressed people in Japan, and nobody believed it. Since then, the belief in DeathNotes and Shinigami was pushed to the back of everyone’s minds as a false conspiracy to cover up hundreds of deaths.

    Disclaimer: I do not own DeathNote. It belongs to Ōba Tsugumi. I only own the characters that are original, and not part of the actual DeathNote Manga series, thus the characters that are newly introduced into this story. (I had to put this up for FanFiction, so I'll just leave it here.)

    Chapter I – Decision


    Birds chirped outside as five flew past the window of a classroom elevated only two stories above the ground. The view outside was a bit mediocre, but it was still a nice escape from the dull monotony that a school could give. Trees, grass, and a stream were noticeable, but it was unfortunately obscured by the cars passing by on the roads leading to and from the High School. One boy in particular sat at the far end of the classroom, nearest to the window, and was peering outside, apparently lost in a daze of some whimsical daydream he was having. Only one thing snapped him out of his fantasy, and that was when a rolled up piece of paper hit the side of his head from afar; he did not even need to turn and see who did it, because he already knew. Shoulder length blond hair, green eyes, and a pale complexion could all be seen on the students face as he scowled, shooting a single glance over to the group of kids that were now all giving him the same rude gesture with their middle finger.

    Unlike other students, the boy in particular had his own style of dress, and he was typically seen wearing black pants that were intentionally too tight for him to fight, along with a pair of black shoes, and either a white or black, usually generic top, but from time to time, he would be seen wearing a shirt representing his favorite band. To the others, he was labeled as one of those punk or emo kids, who nobody seemed to like, and for that very reason, they ostracized him and antagonized him at every opportunity. The blond youth hated them with every fiber of his being; he just wished that they would drop dead.

    “Vincent!” The teacher called out from the front, who noticed that he was not paying attention at all, and demanded that he pick up from where they left off in the novel they were currently reading.

    Flipping open his book, the boy named Vincent began to thumb through the pages, clearly not knowing where they were, and after a while, he simply closed the book and glanced up at the teacher, feeling a bit awkward in the situation.

    “You don’t know where we are, again, do you?” The older man demanded, putting his hands on his hips and sneering. “Well, I’ll go ahead and tell you that we’re at the bottom of page eighty-nine, and I would appreciate it if you would start from the paragraph there.”

    I’d appreciate it if you’d shut your mouth, you prick… Vincent silently retorted to himself before flipping the book open again, and beginning to lazily read the text out loud, or as loud as he considered, but most of it would have simply been mumbling if they were actually paying attention. Stopping after two paragraphs, he glanced up at the teacher, who simply folded his arms and quirked an eyebrow.

    “I didn’t say for you to stop!” He shouted, clenching his fingers a bit on his shirt sleeve. “I’m sure a little extra reading isn’t going to kill you!”

    If I had the opportunity, I’d name a lot of things that could kill you, old man… Lowering his head slowly back to the book, Vincent was suddenly struck by another paper ball, but by sheer dumb luck, the teacher was not looking, and he could not hesitate to continue reading. After it was decided that he was finished, he slammed the book shut just in time to hear the bell ring for the final class of the day, and without waiting another moment, Vincent stormed out of the classroom.

    These miserable people and the way that they look down at me as if I am a piece of garbage has gone on long enough! I do not know what I am going to do, but I am so sick of dealing with this bullshit!

    Vincent would feel a sharp pain in the back of his head as a rock struck home against his skull, and hit the ground with a faint spot of blood now fresh on its rough edge.

    “D-Damn it! What the hell was that for!?” He turned around, holding the stinging spot on his head as he came into contact with the group of punks from his class that always singled him out as their target. “Billy Matthews…You never seem to go around without your posse, do you?”

    “Shut yer trap, bitch.” The one named Billy commented, being a boy of large stature with short, black hair, sharp, brown eyes, and clothes that did not seem to fit him at all with a red and black color scheme from the shirt all the way down to the shoes. “Yer the weaker one here, so it’s only natural that we’re gonna pick on ya! Now, stand still while we put some more poundin’ on ya!”

    Narrowing his eyes, Vincent simply backed away and began to run, seeing as how it was his only option unless he wanted to get the crap beat out of him. Skidding to a halt, he dove through a hedge and appeared on the other side of the school parking lot, hoping that he would lose them.

    Heavy breathing escaped from the blond youth as he put a hand to his chest, while still keeping one pressed against the gash on his head. “Those…bastards…! They took things way too far this time, and I am going to exact my revenge on them as soon as I can!”

    Sitting up, Vincent would feel yet another object hit his head, but he would not feel the same sharp pain as it simply slid off of his head and into his lap, having a faint bit of blood smeared against the cover as he read two words: “DeathNote.”

    “Death…Note?” Vincent rolled the words around on his tongue for a few moments before it came to him, that he had heard about an incident several years ago in Japan involving a DeathNote and a false god named Kira, who was bringing his own sense of justice to the world. “This…can kill anyone whose name gets put into it!” He cried out, but quickly quieted himself and hid the notebook inside of his shirt.

    As soon as he stood up to begin walking away, Vincent heard the familiar voice of Billy cry out his name, and he turned around to see the group now standing before him, wielding bats and other projectiles in their hands like the one from before.

    “Stop trying to run away and this will go so much easier on ya!” Billy called out to him, thrusting a finger out at him with a smug grin present on his visage. “I’m just gonna bang ya up a bit, and then ya can go!”

    Dropping his bag, Vincent cracked his knuckles and decided that he was going to put his faith in something that could be a complete hoax that the citizens of Japan had made up to cover up a mass suicide rate during the time frame of the Kira incident, which he had always assumed was an inside job to begin with. Vincent decided that he was not going to use the DeathNote as a means to bring justice to the world, but instead, he was going to exact his revenge upon those that always treated him like trash, starting with Billy Matthews.

    “The first one is free,” Vincent murmured to himself as he opened the notebook, pulling out a pen, only to get several laughs from Billy and his group, who mocked him for pulling out a book and pen in the situation he was in. “The first one is free? I suppose just one is good enough to deal with this one!”

    Vincent turned to the first, blank page and wrote down Billy Matthews on the blank line, not even bothering to read anything past the first note that was left on the cover. He slammed the book shut and slipped his pen into his pocket before turning his gaze up to see Billy in front of him, grabbing him by the collar with his bat in his free hand.

    “The hell do ya think yer doin’?” Billy demanded, quirking an eyebrow and jerking him around like a rag doll. “Scribbling some garbage down in yer little book ain’t gonna save ya here!”

    As soon as the words escaped from his mouth, Billy dropped his bat and grabbed at his chest, feeling a searing pain course through it as he dropped to his knees, clawing his abdomen until he began to form fresh gashes on him, and seconds later, he collapsed to his side, falling dead due to an apparent heart attack.

    I-I did it! It actually works! Billy Matthews…is dead! He’s dead! I can’t believe it!

    ---------------------------------------------------

    Alright, so I wrote this a long time ago. February 6, 2008. A long long time ago, it seems, and I kind of want to hang myself with it. I've read over it a lot of times and think it could be a whole hell of a lot better. It's a work in progress and I'll probably rewrite the entire first chapter to start fresh with something new. I don't like how this turned out.

    Anyways! I will definitely take suggestions and feedback. Constructive criticism is a must. I don't care how harsh you are, but don't thrash it completely and try to refrain from spam remarks like "This story is crap!" or "DeathNote is teh gay" or whatever the hell it is that idiots say. I will find it well within my rights now to delete your post and report your spam to the top brass. ^^
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    Post by Guest Thu Dec 11, 2008 7:51 am

    Oh dang.
    Nice.
    I read like.
    the first Paragraph.
    Noice
    Hasshoudou's Writing - DeathNote Vengeance (Title Pending) 427289
    Ill read later.
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    Post by Hasshoudou Sat Dec 13, 2008 3:39 am

    Wow, I'm surprised this hasn't gotten any comments or replies to it. >> I was kind of hoping someone would. Hasshoudou's Writing - DeathNote Vengeance (Title Pending) 681348
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    Post by Artist Sat Dec 13, 2008 4:59 am

    The names just don't fit in correctly, in my opinion. They're cool names, just not right for the story, I'm talking about Vincent and Billy Matthews. Besides that, it was entertaining. (:
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    Post by Hasshoudou Sat Dec 13, 2008 5:02 am

    Welllll, it's taking place in America, so I don't want a bunch of people running around with Japanese names. I hope that kind of clears it up for you. Hasshoudou's Writing - DeathNote Vengeance (Title Pending) 681348 I'm probably to trash this entire chapter and remake the whole thing though.

    If you have some suggestions for better names, you have every right to contact me and give me some suggestions. I'm open for that.
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    Post by Guest Sat Dec 13, 2008 9:55 am

    I read it.
    Nice.
    But yeah.
    Names?
    o_o
    Like James Bond!
    JK.
    Ierno.
    I personally dont like those names
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    Post by Hasshoudou Sat Dec 13, 2008 2:14 pm

    Well I need to know why people don't like those names. Just saying you don't like them doesn't tell me anything.
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    Post by Yuushi Sun Dec 14, 2008 9:04 am

    Hmm, nice use of words. I felt you could have done a better job at painting a picture though, describe the scenery more, the teacher. Like in the beginning, that was good, but you mainly focused on what Vincent looked like, not much else. Maybe a bigger introduction? Explaining more of his life, more about the school he attends, classes, etc? Just to be able to know the main character a bit more before jumping right into the story. :3 (There's my criticism~)

    But overall, I liked it. I hope you write more, I want to know what happens next. ^^;

    Edit: I didn't mind the names, hope you don't change them. Hasshoudou's Writing - DeathNote Vengeance (Title Pending) 758730
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    Post by Hasshoudou Sun Dec 14, 2008 6:23 pm

    Sadly that's only one person who likes the names, but at least you share the same sentiments that I do. ><

    I was planning on scrapping the entire chapter and starting over to add more things like you said here, so instead of cramming it all into one chapter, it would probably span over a few chapters so we don't just jump into him owning the Death Note.
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    Post by Yuushi Mon Dec 15, 2008 2:48 am

    Yeah, I thought it went a little fast with that part.
    I hope you do continue it though, I'd like to read it. Hasshoudou's Writing - DeathNote Vengeance (Title Pending) 427289
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    Post by Brad Mon Dec 15, 2008 3:23 am

    Just got done reading it, I wasn't planning on reading it, but I had to anyways, so Id have to say I enjoyed it, thought it ended too soon and I think that you should have introduced the characters more, given more background or detail.
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    Post by Gingyking5000 Mon Dec 15, 2008 3:28 am

    This was pritty good. As Brad sayed, more detail on the character for the first chapter. And I am a big fan of DeathNote and would love to read the final copy if you come around to it. Good job man, i enjoyed.
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    Post by Snorki Mon Dec 15, 2008 6:16 am

    That's amazing. Get published. Hasshoudou's Writing - DeathNote Vengeance (Title Pending) 211503
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    Post by Hasshoudou Mon Dec 15, 2008 6:18 am

    Well, the opinion turn out came to be much more than I expected, so I'm going to go with my idea to scrap the original chapter here (we'll just call it a pilot chapter) and I'm going to start working on another one in the future.
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    Post by Artist Mon Dec 15, 2008 7:19 am

    I look forward to your next writing! Hasshoudou's Writing - DeathNote Vengeance (Title Pending) 427289
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    Post by Yuushi Tue Dec 16, 2008 5:57 am

    Artist wrote:I look forward to your next writing! Hasshoudou's Writing - DeathNote Vengeance (Title Pending) 427289
    Seconded. :3
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    Post by John Tue Dec 16, 2008 6:02 am

    I agree too. Even though the names don't fit in my perspective. It doesnt fit in for some strange reason that i do not know.
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    Post by Hasshoudou Tue Dec 16, 2008 6:49 am

    I wish you guys would offer up some reason why the names don't fit. Hasshoudou's Writing - DeathNote Vengeance (Title Pending) 681348 It'd help tremendously if I knew these things. Hasshoudou's Writing - DeathNote Vengeance (Title Pending) 758730 So far, only one other person besides me thinks the names fit.

    It's set in America, so my characters are going to have American-esque names. I'm aware that Death Note is set originally in Japan, but it had American named characters too. Nate River and Stephen Loud, just as two examples.
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    Post by Brad Tue Dec 16, 2008 9:57 am

    John Doe and Jane Doe!

    Hasshoudou's Writing - DeathNote Vengeance (Title Pending) 758730

    I'm personally fine with the names. But for the Bully, I say you name him Brad. Just saying.
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    Post by Hasshoudou Tue Dec 16, 2008 11:35 am

    Why Brad? Hasshoudou's Writing - DeathNote Vengeance (Title Pending) 681348 Just because you fit the bill, Brad? Hasshoudou's Writing - DeathNote Vengeance (Title Pending) 758730

    I could name him Blake. Hasshoudou's Writing - DeathNote Vengeance (Title Pending) 681348 Lollerskates.
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    Post by Snorki Wed Dec 17, 2008 1:51 pm

    Ya, I think Blake is a better name.
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    Post by Hasshoudou Thu Dec 18, 2008 7:17 am

    So far the only names I have confirmed for the re-write are Vincent and Blake, but I need a name for a high school teacher that generally gets on Vincent for a lot of things, specifically his lack of motivation in school. If there's any teachers you've had that you simply hated, you can throw their names up here for suggestions and I'll see about using them.
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    Post by Brad Thu Dec 18, 2008 8:12 am

    Mr. Modic

    Mr. Shack

    Mr. Mack

    Mr. Conway.

    Choose one, there all pretty ominous names.
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    Post by Hasshoudou Thu Dec 18, 2008 9:38 am

    Mr. Modic...Are you sure you didn't just make that up? (Mo' Dick). Lulz Brad.

    I like Conway, it sounds like the name of an asshole for some reason.

    Shack and Mack FTW? Hasshoudou's Writing - DeathNote Vengeance (Title Pending) 681348
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    Post by HermitDash Thu Dec 18, 2008 9:46 am

    I'll read it over and tell you what changes you should add Tomorrows.

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